French Rhapsody

  Praise for The President’s Hat:

  ‘A hymn to la vie Parisienne … enjoy it for its fabulistic narrative, and the way it teeters pleasantly on the edge of Gallic whimsy’ The Guardian, Paperback of the Week

  ‘A fable of romance and redemption’ The Telegraph

  ‘Its gentle satirical humor reminded me of Jacques Tati’s classic films’ Library Journal

  ‘As entertaining as it is original, this is a story to enjoy like a chocolate with a surprise centre’ Marie France

  Praise for The Red Notebook:

  ‘Resist this novel if you can; it’s the very quintessence of French romance’ The Times

  ‘In equal parts an offbeat romance, detective story and a clarion call for metropolitans to look after their neighbours … reading The Red Notebook is a little like finding a gem among the bric-a-brac in a local brocante’ The Telegraph

  ‘Soaked in Parisian atmosphere, this lovely, clever, funny novel will have you rushing to the Eurostar post-haste’ Daily Mail

  ‘An endearing love story written in beautifully poetic prose. It is an enthralling mystery about chasing the unknown, the nostalgia for what could have been, and most importantly, the persistence of curiosity’ San Francisco Book Review

  French Rhapsody

  By Antoine Laurain

  Translated from the French by Jane Aitken and Emily Boyce

  Within all of us there are secret things, obscure, profound impressions, which, like the rest of our previous existence or the glimmerings of a future life, are a sort of psychic dust, ash or seed, to be remembered or foreseen.

  Henri de Régnier

  Les Cahiers (1927)

  Rhapsody:

  In classical music, a rhapsody is a free composition for a solo instrument, several instruments or a symphony orchestra. Quite similar to a fantasia, a rhapsody almost always draws on national or regional themes.

  Contents

  Title Page

  Epigraph

  A Letter

  Backache

  Sweet Eighties

  Enthusiastic Beginnings

  ‘Les Mots Bleus’

  The Man with the Cat-like Smile

  Blanche

  675 x 564

  Revamp

  Véronique

  Thyristors and TRIACs

  Au Temps Passé

  Bubble

  Agitprop

  In the Land of Smiles

  Roosevelt vs. Louis XV

  A Beautiful Russian

  The Commander

  Pot-au-feu

  Le Train Bleu

  Bérengère

  U-turn

  The Man Who Would Play Drums

  Ivana

  Le Relais de la Clef

  Le Train Bleu (2)

  Aurore

  675 x 564 = 380,700

  Zénith and Semtex

  A Three-legged Dog

  Rats

  The Glory of Bubble

  Rue de Moscou

  A Letter (2)

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  Copyright

  A Letter

  The assistant manager, a tired-looking little man with a narrow, greying moustache, had invited him to sit down in a tiny windowless office brightened only by its canary-yellow door. When Alain saw the carefully framed notice, he felt nervous laughter return – but more hysterical this time, and accompanied by the disagreeable feeling that if God existed, he had a very dubious sense of humour. The notice showed a joyful team of postmen and -women all giving the thumbs up. Running across the top in yellow letters were the words ‘The future: brought to you by the Post Office.’ Alain chuckled mirthlessly. ‘Great slogan.’

  ‘No need to be sarcastic, Monsieur,’ replied the civil servant calmly.

  ‘Don’t you think I’m entitled to a little sarcasm?’ demanded Alain, pointing to his letter. ‘Thirty-three years late. How do you explain that?’

  ‘Your tone is not helpful, Monsieur,’ replied the man drily.

  Alain glared at him. The assistant manager held his gaze for a moment, then slowly extended his arm towards a blue folder which he opened with some ceremony. Then he licked his finger and started turning the pages, rather slowly. ‘And your name is?’ he murmured, not looking at Alain.

  ‘Massoulier,’ replied Alain.

  ‘Ah, yes, Dr Alain Massoulier, 38 Rue de Moscou, Paris 8e,’ the civil servant read aloud. ‘You’re aware that we’re modernising?’

  ‘The results are impressive.’

  The man with the moustache looked at Alain again in silence and seemed about to say something sharp, but apparently thought better of it.

  ‘As I was saying, the building is being modernised, so all the wooden shelves, dating back to its construction in 1954, were taken down last week. The workmen found four letters which had fallen down the back and were trapped between the floor and the shelves. The oldest dated back to … 1963,’ he confirmed, reading from the file. ‘Then there was a postcard from 1978, a letter from 1983 – that’s yours – and lastly, a letter from 2002. We took the decision that, where possible, we would deliver them to their recipients if they were still alive and easily identifiable from their addresses. That’s the explanation,’ he said, closing the blue file.

  ‘But no apology?’ said Alain.

  Eventually the assistant manager said, ‘If you wish, we can send you our apology form letter. Would that be of use?’

  Alain looked down at the desk where his eye fell on a heavy cast-iron paperweight, embellished with the insignia of the postal service. He briefly saw himself picking it up and hitting the little moustachioed man with it repeatedly.

  ‘For whatever purpose it may serve,’ droned the man, ‘does this letter have a legal significance (with regard to an inheritance or transfer of shares or similar) such that the delay in delivery would activate legal proceedings against the postal service—’

  ‘No, it does not,’ Alain cut him off brusquely.

  The man asked him for his signature at the bottom of a form that Alain did not even bother to read. Alain left and stopped outside in front of a skip. Workmen were throwing solid oak planks and metal structures into it, shouting at each other in what Alain believed was Serbian.

  Passing a mirror in a chemist’s window, Alain caught sight of his reflection. He saw grey hair and the rimless glasses that his optician claimed were as good as a facelift. An ageing doctor, that’s what the mirror reflected back at him, an ageing doctor like so many thousands of others across the country. A doctor, just like his father before him.

  Written on a typewriter and signed in turquoise ink, the letter had arrived in the morning post. In the top left-hand corner was the logo of the famous record label: a semicircle above the name, featuring a vinyl record in the form of a setting sun – or maybe a rising sun. The paper had yellowed at the edges. Alain had reread the letter three times before putting it back in the envelope. His name was correct, his address was correct. Everything was in order except for the date, 12 September 1983. That date was also printed over the stamp – a Marianne that had been out of circulation for a long time. The postmark was only half printed but you could clearly read: Paris – 12/9/83. Alain had suppressed a fleeting guffaw like an unwelcome tic. Then he had shaken his head, smiling incredulously. Thirty-three years. That letter had taken thirty-three years to travel across three arrondissements of the capital.

  The day’s post – an electricity bill, Le Figaro, L’Obs, three publicity flyers (one for a mobile phone, one for a travel agent and the third for an insurance company) – had just been brought up by Madame Da Silva, the concierge. Alain had considered getting up, opening the door and catching Madame Da Silva on the stairs to ask her where the letter had come from.
But she would already be back downstairs in her apartment, and anyway, she wouldn’t be able to help him. She had merely brought up what the postman had delivered to the building.

  Paris, 12 September 1983

  Dear Holograms

  We listened with great interest to the five-track demo tape you sent us at the beginning of the summer. Your work is precise and very professional, and although it needs quite a bit of work, you already have a sound that is distinctive. The track we were most impressed by was ‘Such Stuff as Dreams Are Made On’. You have managed to blend new wave and cold wave whilst adding your own rock sound.

  Please get in touch with us so that we can organise a meeting.

  Best wishes

  Claude Kalan

  ARTISTIC DIRECTOR

  The tone was polite but friendly. Alain focused on the words ‘precise’ and ‘very professional’ whilst noting the slightly derogatory repetition of the word ‘work’. And the letter ended on an encouraging note, an affirmation in fact. Yes, thought Alain, ‘Such Stuff as Dreams Are Made On’ was the best, a jewel, a hit, whispered in Bérengère’s voice. Alain closed his eyes and recalled her face with almost surreal precision: her big eyes, always vaguely worried, her short haircut with the fringe sweeping over her forehead, the way she had of going up to the mic and holding it with both hands and not letting go for the whole song. She would close her eyes and the soft voice with its touch of huskiness was always a surprise coming from a girl of nineteen. Alain opened his eyes again: ‘a meeting’ – how many times had the five of them uttered that word. How many times had they hoped for a meeting with a record label: a meeting at eleven on Monday at our offices. We have a meeting at Polydor. That ‘meeting’ had never been forthcoming. The Holograms had split up. Although that was not exactly the right term. It would be more accurate to say that life had simply moved on, causing the group to disperse. In the absence of a response from any record label, they had each gone their own way, disappointed and tired of waiting.

  Still half asleep in her blue silk dressing gown, Véronique had just pushed open the kitchen door. Alain looked up at her and handed her the letter. She read it through, yawning.

  ‘It’s a mistake,’ she said.

  ‘It certainly is not,’ retorted Alain, holding out the envelope. ‘Alain Massoulier, that’s me.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’ Véronique shook her head, indicating that untangling an enigma so soon after waking up was beyond her.

  ‘The date, look at the date.’

  She read out, ‘1983.’

  ‘The Holograms, that was my group, my rock group. Well, it wasn’t rock, it was new wave; cold wave to be exact, as it says here.’ Alain pointed to the relevant line in the letter.

  Véronique looked at her husband in astonishment.

  ‘The letter took thirty-three years to travel across three arrondissements.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ she murmured, turning the letter over.

  ‘Have you got another explanation?’

  ‘You’ll have to ask at the post office,’ concluded Véronique, sitting down.

  ‘I’m going to! I wouldn’t miss that for the world,’ replied Alain.

  Then he got up and started the Nespresso machine.

  ‘Make me one,’ said Véronique, yawning again.

  Alain thought it was time his wife cut down on the sleeping tablets. It was distressing to see her every morning appearing like a rumpled shrew. It would take her at least two hours in the bathroom before she emerged dressed and made up. So all in all it took nearly three hours for Véronique to get herself properly together. Since the children had left home, Alain and Véronique found themselves living on their own as at the beginning of their marriage. But twenty-five years had passed and what had seemed charming at the beginning was becoming a little wearing, and now long silences stretched out over dinner. In order to fill them Véronique talked about her clients and her latest decorative finds, while Alain would mention patients or colleagues, and then they would fall to discussing their holiday plans although they could never agree where to go.

  Backache

  Alain stayed in bed for a week. The day the letter had arrived, he’d been laid low with backache which he first diagnosed as lumbago, then sciatica, or maybe neuralgia. Or perhaps the cause was not medical at all. He hadn’t carried anything heavy, or made a sudden movement and heard a suspicious crack. He couldn’t exclude the possibility that the pain was psychosomatic. But whatever the cause, it didn’t change the fact that he was lying in bed, in his pyjamas, with a hot-water bottle under his back. He was on painkillers and moved around the flat like an old man, taking little steps, with a look of suffering on his face. He had instructed his secretary, Maryam, to cancel all his appointments until further notice and then go home herself.

  The day the letter arrived had seemed endless. Like some strange mirror effect the letter’s thirty-three-year delay seemed to have infected the passage of time, causing it to slow down. At four o’clock, Alain felt as if he’d been in his consulting room listening to the ills of his patients for about fifteen hours. Every time he opened the door to the waiting room, it seemed to have filled up again. An outbreak of gastroenteritis was the reason for all the people. He had listened to dozens of accounts of diarrhoea and stomach cramps. ‘I feel as if I’m going to shit my brains out, Doctor!’ had been the colourful expression the local butcher had used. As Alain listened to him, he decided to stop buying meat from him.

  The day should have passed in calm contemplation. You think you have buried your youthful dreams, that they’ve dissolved in the fog of passing years and then you realise it’s not true! The corpse is still there, terrifying and unburied. He should have found a grave for it and something funereal should have followed his reading of the letter, funereal and silent, accompanied by incense. Instead, it seemed as if the entire city had made its way to his apartment to regale him with sordid tales of their intestines, their diarrhoea, and their flushing toilets.

  Little Amélie Berthier, eight years old, had come with her mother. She didn’t have a stomach bug, she had a sore throat and repeatedly refused to open her mouth. Sitting on the edge of the examination table, the little minx shied away, shaking her head, every time Alain approached with the disposable tongue depressor and torch.

  ‘You must sit still,’ he said sternly.

  The child had calmed down immediately and let her throat be examined without any more fuss. Alain then wrote the prescription in heavy silence.

  ‘She needs discipline,’ her mother volunteered reluctantly.

  ‘Possibly,’ replied Alain coldly.

  ‘But what can you expect with a father who’s never there …’ said the mother, leaving the sentence unfinished in the hope that the doctor would ask her about it.

  Alain did not. After ushering them out, he allowed himself a few minutes’ break, massaging his temples.

  The surgery had ended at twenty past seven with a patient whose eczema had flared up again and who had come to add his contribution to the day. Before that there had been an earache, a urinary tract infection, several cases of bronchitis and more gastroenteritis. Alain had uttered the somewhat pompous phrase ‘intestinal flora’ several times. He had often noticed that patients with stomach bugs liked to be told they ‘must boost their intestinal flora’. They always nodded gravely. Becoming the careful gardener of their insides was a project that gave them purpose. After accompanying his eczema patient to the door, Alain washed his hands thoroughly and then poured himself a strong whisky in the kitchen. He practically downed it in one. Then he went out to one of the cupboards in the corridor and started to empty it. Soon the iron, diving masks, files, beach towels, and folders of the children’s schoolwork were spread all over the floor. He wanted to find an answer to the question that had been nagging at him all day – had he kept the shoebox containing his photos of the group and the cassette? He wasn’t sure any more. He could clearly picture it on the upper shelf where it had been
for years. Had he planned to throw it out or had he actually thrown it out? The assorted pile of little-used objects expanding on the carpet seemed to indicate the latter. It was maddening. The only thing Alain wanted to do at that precise moment was to put the tape into the old Yamaha cassette player and listen to the band again. And he especially wanted to hear ‘Such Stuff as Dreams Are Made On’. The music and Bérengère’s voice had been playing in his head all day.

  ‘Idiot, idiot, idiot …’ muttered Alain. He must indeed have thrown it away. Now he remembered. He’d wanted to sort out the cupboard two or three years ago, over the long Easter weekend. He’d used a large bin bag and he must have chucked the box in without even opening it, in amongst the out-of-date bills and the old shoes no one wore any more. He had even thrown away things from his parents’ time which hadn’t been moved for years.

  At the back of the cupboard, behind three overcoats, he spied the black case with Gibson on it and at his feet he saw the Marshall amplifier. He pulled the case out carefully and unzipped it. The black lacquer of the electric guitar was as shiny as ever; time had not taken its toll. Ten years ago his children had asked to see it and Alain had shown it to them although he had refused to play anything. They thought it was funny that not only did their father possess an electric guitar, but that he actually knew how to play it. Alain ran his fingers over the strings then quickly zipped up the cover and put the guitar back in the cupboard behind the winter coats. That was when he noticed his back was hurting. An hour later he was in bed.